MERTHYR SHE WROTE by Chairman Mao from around 2003

So I'm standing outside the Main Gates at Worcester City when Miss Marple gets out of a taxi, she's short of the fare, well it's ridiculously expensive in England, she obviously doesn't know the taxi chat ("Working late drive?" or Busy in town tonight?") so I step over and hand out some arian and pretty soon she's through customs and into the crime scene. Worcester have stolen a point and I want it recorded for the record.

Worcester is not really a favourite destination for the Dial M For Merthys entourage, we were and still are innocent ! For me, it's an awkward trip - it's neither here nor there, it's a half day off work and a mad rush to Merthyr for the fast car over the border. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to your pilot; The Brown Baron. Now, Mr. Brown loves a burger, and especially a burger from Dowlais Top so almost sixty minutes after leaving the Baili Glas we've travelled less than two miles, but soon it's the joys of the open road before us and time to relax, no, sorry what I meant to say was, then it was the A465. How can a one vowel and three numbers cause so much anxiety ? The Heads of the Valleys Road, game on !

You all know the score, you've all travelled to hundreds of away matches on the same route, for us the journey isn't measured in miles, but in time, it should take just over a hour to get to Strensham. That's the magic word for most Merthyr fans, Strensham ! Either you're really on your way to a game or you're almost home, it's like a beacon guiding the way. How many times have you had a piss there or even paid some ridiculous sum for a piece of toast at 3 in the morning ? You know what I mean, it's a tradition.

Suffice to say that we made the match, in fact we would have had a skin full if we hadn't had to endure Worcester's shitty parking facilities, here's another ground going nowhere. A pint later and it's out to the terraces, once again it's a good turnout, maybe 100 fellow devotees scowling and grimacing at each other, Merthyr ? I love it, born and bred, bury me there !

To our great surprise, the Martyrs emerge from the prison camp fencing tunnel in our obvious third strip; it's gold apparently, dirty yellow really but nonetheless it looks good and tonight we played well in it, the golden boys. It was our first sight of Dai Thomas, would he be up for it ? Many players have dropped down to us and tried to coast it, at their cost ! First impressions ? Dai can be a legend if he maintains his 100% attitude, he chased everything tonight and should have had two goals, only to be denied by some great goalkeeping. The Martyrs dominated this game, we played some good football at a great pace, it almost took my mind off my piss poor cup of tea in the first half, I thought Salisbury had the worst tea, but here come Worcester with their My Mums tea bags and creamy milk and it's all over, minging tea.

First half, under the roof opposite the main stand and it's obvious that Les Dennis is reffmg the match, Merthyr are on their toes after everything and it's looking good so obviously Worcester score first and to be fair it's a cracker, a cross is knocked out of the penalty area only to be lashed in by the nearest Worcester player, I would have applauded but I was trying to breathe life into my cup of tea. Merthyr continue to dominate the match, we even get Les Dennis on our side when he gives us a penalty when Logger faints in the box, I have an acid flashback as Gilo slots home the penalty, wooooh, Crawley 3-1 maaan, yeah peace!

The second half is spent with Hulby, our co-driver, entertaining the huddled masses behind the goal. "You tease !" "Our survey said ?", if you were standing next to us during the match I have no apologies to make, you know who he is and we have warned you, he is an idiot and should not be approached unless under the influence of alcohol. Dai Thomas drags their defence everywhere showing his ability but a mixture of great defending and poor penetration ensures the shares are spoiled or the spoils are shared whatever you fancy really, basically it's 1-1. Thommo deserves a mention though for keeping his concentration to make some good late saves

It's a sign that we're really still on the way back that a match that we obviously should have won was treated as a point gained by the majority of Merthyr fans, to me Worcester got off lightly, hence the reason that Miss Marple was called to the scene. To be honest, she was a waste of time, she had a few pints, but never bought her round. Typical.

Chairman Mao