The fine art of selling a fanzine

Just Say NO

If you don’t want to buy Dial M for Merthyr, then take a leaf from the book of Samuel “Zammo” MacGuire and JUST SAY NO.

Whilst selling the issue 48 of our low brow publication it became our mission to make sure we maximised our sales. There was a lot of the feel good…. well you know at MTFC at the end of last season so we wanted to spread a little happiness and donate a few quid to the clubs coffers. The proceeds of the last issue paid for the Ex-Players Day – so thanks if you purchased. So with this aim in mind our sales network of yours truly, Wingy and Jack Hodgkins hit the terraces with the aim of hitting 200 sales.

For the most part selling the rag is boring, it is pretty much a slow process. Crowds are down on the halcyon days when Dial M was in its pomp. Today’s sales days are interspersed with games of Kerbsy or even Pitch & Toss. If you are interested Pant beat Trefechan last time out and are the reigning MTFC Kerbsy Champions.

The sales process is pretty straightforward … “Dial M for Merthyr, on sale today” is shouted... Look said punter in the eyes – DON’T BLINK EVER and more often than not the punter thinks, Oh I like reading Dial M, yep I’ll have one. Then they reply – “Yes Please”, followed by “wasn’t this 50 pence last time”, to which I reply... “Inflation butt – it’s a bastard!!!”. So that is pretty much the sales experience. Direct and pretty unfulfilling. NOTE TO SALES STAFF – If you get bored, then alternatives are available “Football’s greatest Fanzine – on sale today!!” or “Dial M – Only a pound”.

But every now and then the sales pitch hits a virtual speed bump. And it is that moment when the seller (ie – ME) has to earn his corn. Coz sometimes the Sellee (that’s you) doesn’t always follow the script, do you Jarj? Regular speed bumps to negotiate are:

“Ohh, I’ll have a programme”
A simple mistake for the sellee to make, to which the standard reply is, “£1 please butt” – take the money, handover the fanzine and walk away.

“Haven’t got any change butt”
To which you inform the punter that you have plenty and you are able to smooth out said speed bump. Fast hands are a must for any Dial M Seller.

These are your standard problems, no Dial M sales person has ever been tripped up by such trivialities. But on occasions the ante is upped and this involves a more creative punter.

“My father just got me one”
A classic, to be retorted by….. He didn’t have any change butt, he asked if you could get your own, £1 please.

“No Thanks, You wrote something nasty about my Uncle Terry back in 1989, so I won’t buy one”.
To which the answer is…. That wasn’t us that was Don’t Call Me Butt. £1 please.

Then finally you have the SWERVERS – these are a fascinating breed. They usually walk up park terrace on the left hand curve until just before S.O Davies’s house. At that point they spot the Dial M seller at the end of the wall by the Tregenna Hotel this is where the fun starts. At that point they lean onto their right leg and like a drunk looking for a kebab shop they swerve across the road and find themselves within touching distance of the Masonic Temple by which time they are opposite the Dial M outdoor emporium. The Swerver also likes planes as a swerver never looks anywhere other than up in the sky. Last issue one potential punter bent his approach to such an extent that he needed a St John’s Ambulance person to correct his hip placement pre match. If a Swerver is spotted, then the word “Swerver” is announced and a note is made to make a direct sale to that person during the afternoon.

I swear one day a swerver will get knocked down outside the ground and when they are on the floor begging for medical attentions I will point up to the sky and mutter the words “Airbus A380 – world’s largest passenger airline”, followed by “Dial M for Merthyr, on sale today”. That will teach them.

Last issue we did burst through the magic 200 mark, let’s hope we can match those numbers today.

Dr Obnoxious