Dial M for Merthyr

It's been the match that has stood out for all Martyrs fans since the season started, another opportunity to educate our neighbours from Gwent in the social etiquette of non-league football. Our chance to provide their supporters with the fundamental requirements for football at our level; hospitality in our clubhouse, four sides to a ground with no segregation (and no crowd trouble). What we couldn't rely on was what would happen on the lush green lawn that is Penydarren Park. It had been a tidy Christmas but to be honest it was all going to be little more than a warm-up for the main event; Merthyr Tydfil -vrs- Newport County. I'm glad they've adopted their old name, it just seems more honest and gives a historical edge to matches. Against my better judgement I felt quietly confident about the encounter, the Martyrs record against the Gwenties isn't very good but recent performances if not results had been encouraging with the lads attempting to play a passing ga...

Financially 2015/16 was an extremely challenging year for the Trust. A period when the ground was being redeveloped and there were no permanent bar facilities on site, but once again the Club punched above their playing weight as it lifted the Southern League Cup for the first time in sixty years. Even a safe mid-table finish failed to persuade Steve Jenkins to stay with the Martyrs and the Board reacted quickly to appoint Gavin Williams as manager in the summer months. Broadly, I think you could say that last year’s accounts were strong in some places and weak in others – an overall loss was posted for the second time in three years as a result of the investment in the infrastructure, but this was fortunately absorbed by the existing surplus profit in the Reserves that were carried forward. This possibly reinforced the cautious approach of maintaining a consistent, sustainable strategy which provided the foundation for last seasons play-off challenge in only our second season back a...

A decent Martyrs team (actually the team was crap, as always). For three intrepid explorers, who travelled up over ye old Severn Bridge to that sad and rather smelly country, the day was more memorable for an event which took place in the toilets at half time (ooooooo) than the game itself. It was myself, Bungle & Will who lumbered down to the law courts during the depths of the harsh Glamorganshire winter, to experience the delights of a Trevor Meyrick away trip to London. These were the days when you were actively encouraged to carry alcohol on away trips. The more the better. In fact it was common place for fans to be turned away from one of Trevor's busses for not carrying the required quota of eighteen cans of elephant beer and a kilo of whizz. This almost caused the first mishap of the day as Will, upon inspection, only had seventeen cans in his possession. Things were looking ropey for a few moments until the great man produced a two litre bottle of the demon voddy whic...

Amongst the laughter, pints and  general celebrations from the news that our erstwhile Chief Executive had left the club there came a realisation that we had reached another of those crossroads that will hopefully direct us over the  hori zon to where we want to arrive or could divert us to the purgatory of endless yo-yoing between divisions as the crowds dwindle to nothing under the leadership of blazer bores who judge a season by the best food at an away club boardroom.  As the social media keyboard warriors declared; “ding dong, the witch is dead”, but behind the harsh humour the main question remained unanswered  – what happens now? Once  again  we saw the usual information vacuum from the Board, from the badly worded and insipid press statement to the familiar disappearance from our Chairman.  Does Merthyr Town FC have a crisis strategy? If so it shouldn’t include the head man, the face of the club, our leader disappearing as soon as the ques...

I was sat there watching the telly, just me and my woman sitting there relaxed, the only thing spoiling the chilled atmosphere is me switching back and forth from Page 307 of Ceefax, no score, no worries, just a rush of adrenalin each time the pages scroll through to that page, 0-1, Mitchell, me bouncing around the room, to the fridge, a couple of tins, BBC2, The Outer Limits - shit programme, back to the Ceefax, 1-1, Drewitt - I knew it, you don't release players of his enthusiasm and commitment, still it's a point, back to the outer limits and some stupid scientist morality tale. 9.47pm, I scroll through to page 307, "come on boys, a last minute winner " eh 2-1, not for them , Stafford win in last minute, depressed, back to fridge, clear the stock of lager, slumped and dazed, appeal to the great Chairman in the sky who replies, "I sent you Addison, what more do you want?" ***********************************************************************************...

David Jones, known by all who knew him as  Twiggy started watching the Martyrs during the 70s with a group of mates, mostly from the  Gurnos , who never missed a game home or away. In those early  days  he was one of those lads sitting behind the goals on the grass watching his heroes, if the lads were moved on by the club committee then he would be found on the Theatre End grass bank. In the 80s there was always a bus trip to follow the Martyrs on a Saturday and Twiggy was always a stalwart of that scene, he always seemed to have a copy of the latest music press with him and he knew all the new bands and their lyrics. Twiggy knew all about Boy George and Culture Club  well before anyone in Merthyr Tydfil. Twiggy was quiet but was never one to back down when challenged and many a time he was around to defend our club. Over the seasons it was an integral part of match-day at  Penydarren  Park to listen to Twiggy confirming the day’s results off the TV e...

After an up and down performance against high flying Margate, a place only known to myself due to Del Boys and Rodney's antics, the Mighty Martyrs were to travel over the border to face fellow strugglers Dorchester Town FC. With a heavy weekend's sesh dawning upon us and the fact that mini-Wolf had a football game for Merthyr Schools on the same day, the DMFM tribe was uncertain about travelling to watch the relegation battle. But at this moment in time the Martyrs need all the support they can get, and a late phone call on Monday evening from Captain Kirk informing us that his sons game was off meant that DMFM battle bus would be setting This did complicate matters a little with Wingnut having to re book time off he had previously cancelled the day before and Typey being unable to join us, leaving us with one free space in the car to fill. With the aid of technology our prayers were answered when the original Burger Master himself replied to an e mail to all fans asking if ...

This was a genuine letter we recieved from the then editor of the Merthyr Express in the mid 90s. Rival Merthyr fanzine "Don't Call Me Butt" took a pot shot at the editor in one of their issues and Gordon Caldecott thought he'd redress the wrong doing in our pages. Here is his response. To the fine fellows at Dial 'M' For Merthyr. Can I use your esteemed and much loved organ to penetrate the inner working of the fanzine mind as my own member could be perceived as too blunt a tool for such a task. As a virgin in the ways of the witty reposte I hope to comment on an article in that smaller tool of comedy discourse Don't Call Me Butt.  Some would feel that being the Butt of ridicule could be seen to be a form of backhanded (or should that be rear-door) respect, while others may judge that simply acknowledging the existence of a not-so brown-nosed tribute simply gives it credence. But I - an investigative journalist who develops the whiff of a stor...

Exclusive - Major Signing At The Park It was revealed today that Merthyr Tydfil F.C. have been involved in another shock signing. Sources inform us that Fred Arscott has signed a new tea bag. Yes, that's right a new tea bag! When interviewed Mr Arscott explained that he first spotted the aforementioned tea bag in Tesco's late one afternoon but had been put off by the expensive price tag wanted for the services of the tea bag.  "I couldn't sleep all night. I just had to have that tea bag. It's just the one needed to make the tea bar the best in the country. It was a bit pricey but I didn't care in the end so I broke the bank and went straight to the shop in the morning and bought it!" . Said the excited Mr Arscott. DMFM are led to believe that the tea bag will make its debut for the Dartford game. We will also be watching this promising youngster closely in the future and will keep you posted. The tea bar on the Wank Bank we are told will be selling t...

The Chairman was 50 just after Christmas, so all the Dial M lads made a trip to Glasgow for his celebrations. I’d been before and the one thing that always sticks in my mind is their money. You know, you get there and spend the cash you take, then end up bringing back a ton of small notes in change or you visit the cash machine and over do the withdrawal just in case you need a seventh beer at the airport. Countries with a strong identity have three stand out traits in my mind - self rule (we need this now), a strong language (we need this mandatory at schools) and some quality money. Let’s look at the notes of the realm we currently use, they are forgettable. The new fiver is horrible let’s be honest. It is shiny, cheap feeling, has a German unelected monarch on the front and a racist, war mongering bully on the reverse. The rest of the money we use is no better or any more appealing. Who are these people on our notes – Edward Elgar (he’s no Joseph Parry is he!), Char...

Having shared my review of Indians and Kebab Houses in Merthyr for fine dining with you, I was left with what next?  Fish and chip shops, no point really as the Dolphin is the clear winner.  Pizza shops, we have Domino’s, Pizza Hut, and Papa Johns so not much choice there.  Chinese, well not a fan of Chinese food.  I’m full to the guts straight after it, then starving 2 hours later.  So I settled on the idea of sharing my thoughts on what deserts Merthyr has to offer. 5) McDonalds McFlurry ice-cream – Available across the globe, but where else will you get one with a friendly smile from someone who you hope rather than expected they washed their hands after going to the toilet. The only downside to this, well you have to visit a McDonalds. 4) Walls soft scoop Vanilla Ice-cream (from Tesco’s) – The perfect way to get an ice-cream headache is to consume a full tub of Wall’s finest. A bit over the top you may think, but it’s so moreish. 3) Greggs’ custard sli...

An Open Letter  To M erthyr Town  Football Supporters – a message from your wives, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends and famil ies . We understand.  Monday is a big, big day.   Some of us – and I especially include myself here   - don’t get football, don’t understand the offside rule, don’t know what leagues Merthyr, Swansea, or even Manchester United are in.  We’ve watched with gently mocking bemusement over the years as you meet the end of season with a  either a  deep and often  unshakable depression or manic glee. But we  understand -  Monday is a big, big day.    Here’s the  thing though.  It’s not just a big day for the supporters and the team.  Over recent years we’ve travelled with you on this rollercoaster.  We were there in the early days when you had no re al stake in the club and watched helplessly at the unfolding results .  We held our  collective breath when you...

The 31st January is known for 2 deadlines, your Self Assessment Tax Return if you are rich, or the winter transfer window deadline. Well another January 31st has passed, and Sky Sports News have once again embarrassed themselves’ and tried to squeeze every last drop out of their failing transfer deadline day. In the past there has been great “excitement” on transfer deadline. Berbatov left Spurs for United, and who can forget Robinho signing for Manchester City. Robinho of course unforgettably thought he was signing for Manchester United, not realising there were 2 teams in Manchester as the “noisy neighbours” started to flex their financial muscles. Sky have well and truly flogged this horse to death. There used to be a time when their intrepid reporters used to hang outside the ground with supporters in the background cheering. But that had to change when the bad language was repeated up and down the country, ruining Jim White’s special day. The energetic Jim White is on the brin...