Sex and The Town from around 2012 - by Konrad Bartelski

The terraces remain empty. Look around you, the barren wastes of Penydarren Park lie before you. Where has everyone gone? Is the new Cyfarthfa Retail Park that exciting? We’ve tried everything; free tickets, happy hours, even winning a few games and getting a promotion or two but to no avail.

It’s time for action!

The Dial M For Merthyr Central Committee has discussed the matter at length, mainly over an illegal steamed pie in a down-town café, and we’ve come to the conclusion that the answer lies with SEX!

Quite simply, if we want more fans then we’re going to have to make them.

Volunteers are required to step forward and take the challenge of shagging for the Martyrs, when the final game is played at Penydarren Park and our crowds are too small to support a team in the Hellenic League what will you tell the grand-kids when they say “what did you do Grand-dad to save the Martyrs?”

We urge all supporters, men and women, to lie back and think of Merthyr. Now is not the time for false inhibition but an era of sexual enlightenment which could provide a generation of supporters willing to endure many more thrilling games against Gloucester City.

The current climate is so serious that we have organized special squads of voyeurs to head out into the pubs & clubs of the borough to help the cause, those star-crossed lovers stumbling over to the vets from Koolers will be met with a hand-out of a fixture list and a season ticket direct debit form to provide an aphrodisiac for a happy end to the evening.

So please look within yourself, do you really have a head-ache tonight? We see it now, in twenty years time there will be hundreds of Martyrs filling the Theatre End, all ready to cheer the lads into the Conference, they may all look the same but who’s checking that?

Konrad Bartelski